Essays on the Main/I Had a Wife… (About Jealousy)
I Had a Wife…
Once, long ago, I had a wife — a psychiatrist. She herself called herself my wife, and me — her husband.
We had met in the classes on mastering the art of psychic self-regulation, which I massively conducted in those years. She came there to study. And one day she invited me to her house.
Our such relations lasted a year and a half or two years, more precisely I do not remember.
She before this had run away from her jealous husband, who also did not satisfy her sexually.
She lived in the suburbs, I — in the city.
She every time, when she wanted to meet me, called me from work — and in the evening I came. And in the morning, she went to her psychiatric hospital for children, and I returned to the city by train.
When our free days overlapped, we together searched, found, and studied places of power: just in those years, we received the translations of Carlos Castaneda’s books.
… In those old years, I thought that for helping others in their spiritual growth, it is most important for me to fill them with my own energy of consciousness. I filled her — and with pleasure saw in her the growth of the volume of the refined and full of emotions of love consciousness. She — as the soul — was already hundreds of meters in diameter…
I did not understand then that such gifts… do not contribute at all to the growth of a person both intellectually and ethically… But namely this must be the foundation for confident further spiritual growth!
… She appreciated our relations very much — and repeatedly asked me not to cut them off under any circumstances…
Moreover, she began to successfully introduce in her medical activity the knowledge that she received through me.
It was about her, I mentioned in one of my books, how she treated children with autism — by the method of “opening” their spiritual hearts. These children later themselves were eager to perform in front of the audience from the stage at the holidays dedicated to the end of the rehabilitation course.
… However, over time, she developed “torments of jealousy”, even hallucinations began, the theme of which were my “treasons”: in the classes I conducted, there were so many women!…
She completely trusted her “visions”…
Especially these states of hers worsened once during a long summer heat spell…
In one of these especially hot days, I, having completed one of long and very tiring for me lessons, dropped into the market — to buy tomatoes: to please her.
… But she… suddenly met me with indignation! She chanted to me:
“You come to me —
Already emaciated by sex!”
… I did not attach much importance to this episode, already having an understanding of her mental characteristics. I had studied psychiatry…
… But later it turned out that she also slandered me among all her familiar physicians, accusing me of grotesque hypersexuality…
… And our relations ended so:
She — having been carried away by her thoughts on my massive “betrayals”, was confused, her mind was “clouded”… And she invited tonight… two men at once: me and one more…
I came much earlier, we were in bed already for a long time — when suddenly he called at the door… She began to apologize to him, saying that the situation suddenly had changed…
… He saw me in bed through a reflection in the mirror that hung in the hallway.
… He left — disappointed, humiliated, undeservedly offended — alone in that dark night. Apparently, forever.
I — also left forever.
After all, she used my help — and at the same time “for this” tried to desecrate me… And even she so treated her friend… I did not see the opportunity to help her further.
* * *
The great Babaji from the Indian Haidakhan designated the following stages of spiritual perfecting:
Truth (that is, understanding of the essence of God and our relationships with Him) — Simplicity (absence of arrogance, self-conceit, self, humility) — Love (first of all, the emotions of love, love-gifting, obtained through the development of the spiritual heart) — Service to God (through helping people, especially in the spreading of spiritual knowledge) — Cognition of the Supreme Divine I and Mergence with Him.
Let’s think: how it makes sense to treat the phenomenon of jealousy — in connection with at least the firsts of the indicated principles?
The principle of Truth implies, in particular, the beginning of work on oneself with the goal of substituting one’s own egocentrism by God-Centrism (we have already talked a lot about this in other articles and books).
With Simplicity, jealousy also does not fit in any way. It testifies to super-egoism: I am jealous — that means I take away the freedom of another person, I give him or her the place of only a slave…
None of the people worthy of respect will insist that jealousy is a manifestation of the principle of Love. No: jealousy is precisely a perverted love, a love for oneself. It is a primitive passion, a gross vice, from which it would make sense to immediately and forever give up! Approach the Creator by the quality of the soul, having this vice, there is no possibility!
God will have to educate people with jealousy — by methods that teach humility. And is not it better to start this — voluntarily right now?