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Short Earthly Happiness

Zosia returned to the capital shortly before the start of her studies at the institute.

She informed Victor in a letter about when she was returning; nevertheless, she was surprised to see that he had come to the station and was waiting for her.

Zosia immediately saw that something was wrong with him, something had happened… But while they were driving in a cab, Victor was silent the entire time.

Most of the news about Olga, Sergey, and Denis — Zosia, of course, had from correspondence with her friends. But about Victor, she knew only a little. His letters were very “dry” and restrained, as if… about nothing… Lately, he had not been sharing important things.

When, at last, they were left alone in Zosia’s room, Zosia could not resist and asked:

“Well, tell me: what has happened with you?”

… Victor turned pale, then blushed and tried to find the right words:

“You were right… I shot at a man… No, I didn’t kill him, I didn’t wound him… But I shot with hatred, I wanted… to kill!…

“It was like an evil beast woke up in me, I was ready to kill!… I don’t know what to do, how to live… with this…, how to get rid of this horror?!…”

He cried like a child…

Victor, who previously was so proud and confident in himself and in his righteousness, and never admitted his mistakes, now sobbed, burying his face in Zosia’s knees. She gently stroked his head until the surge of his despair subsided.

Then she said softly:

“You have seen it…, you have seen it yourself!… This is important! Now you can never again allow this in yourself!

“The elder Zosima said that in every person there is a lower, primitive component and a Divine component. He said that this was mentioned in many spiritual Scriptures.

“Well, if you want, I can say it differently: in each person there is, as it were, an evil-animal part and there is a Human part: Human — in the highest sense of the word.

“A person can learn to control his or her instincts and never be like an evil animal, which wants only for itself, which seeks only to control everything in its own way. At the same time, such a person is afraid of the strong and shoves the weak around.”

“Yes…, I understand… But I always thought I could handle it. I was proud that I understood all this, that we would build a wonderful society for happy people… But it turned out that I myself… can be a hateful killer to another person… It was like blindness, like an eclipse…”

“It happens, Victor… And Jesus tried to heal people from this spiritual blindness. He taught about the spiritual transformation of a person — for the sake of approaching the Divinity.

“The beginning of insight is to start seeing everything around with heart love, looking from the state of love!

“Until one has learned, through one’s own experience, to go through life observing the laws of good and love, until one has defeated anger and pride in oneself, one cannot greatly influence this world for the better.

“This is how fr. Alexander explained his understanding of social transformations. He, too, once wanted to make a revolution!…”

“Well, should I go to a monastery now to seek God?”

“Why go to a monastery? God is always near, next to every person!

“After all, God is not some kind of ‘strong ruler’ who must be glorified through certain ‘rules’ and rituals! Even if no religious trends existed at all, God would always be the Creative Power!

“To create that kind human community that you and many other people dream of, everyone needs to understand that it can only be created taking into consideration the existence of God!

“It is important for everyone to understand that God is more than just some deity existing only in a certain religion! He is All-Inclusive!

“One does not need to believe in the existence of some kind of idol-like God, one does not need to worship Him and make sacrifices to Him!

“God is the Real Living Power of Love, Which can be touched and with Which you can interact!

“He gradually gives His Love and the understanding of Himself to those who are worthy!

“But for this, a soul must also become love! Otherwise, He will not be perceived, seen, or felt!

“Man is not just a ‘wiser animal’! You do not think that we — humans — are just monkeys who have become intelligent because we took sticks in our hands? You see that everything is not so primitively arranged! And we still do not know so much, and there is still so much to discover, and not only in medicine, but in many other fields of knowledge.

“Concerning you — you know how to love and understand!…

“It’s not just about faith… But there is a living experience of being in the reality of another world!

“This summer, I understood a lot! And not only about healing. But I felt Jesus! I went out early in the morning to a river bank and sat for a long time in silence, turning all the attention of the soul to Jesus. And another Divine World was opened, into Which one could enter and with Which one could unite! And There — there came such understandings about life, about faith, about love, and about the knowledge of the Divine World, which are difficult to explain in words! All this was perceived as a whole by the soul, and not at the level of words.

“It was given to me to feel it.

“But one needs to be a very pure, crystally clear soul — so as not to distort — to please one’s desires — what comes from there. This is much more than healing powers and skills…

“All this can be revealed only to that person who is completely devoted to God!”

As Victor was listening to her, something started happening in the depth of the soul… He did not see the spiritual Light that surrounded Zosia now, but he could feel what she was talking about. And there was hope in that…

And Zosia continued:

“All bad things are in the past now! Believe me: since you have understood everything yourself — everything will be different!”

Zosia was silent for a little, then suddenly said:

“Victor, if you still want this, now I am ready to become your wife. I love you, and I want to be by your side. I want to help you…”

“How can you love such a… nothingness?! Are you doing it out of pity? But this is not necessary!… I do not want pity!…”

“No, Victor, you have seen and understood what stood between us, and you removed it… Now — everything will be fine!”

* * *

Victor and Zosia were officially married. Olga, Sergey, and Denis were sincerely happy for them. And their parents were especially happy. They were completely satisfied with their dreams of their children’s welfare. It seemed to them that now that very lasting and joyful future would come for all of them…

But Zosia clearly saw all the fragility and temporality of this earthly happiness…

She saw and understood that this delightful bliss could be taken away at any moment.

And that happiness from the feeling of the Divine Presence, which now was perceived with ever-increasing force, she tried to give to Victor.

... Victor, a month after the wedding, said to Zosia:

“How right Olga was, telling us how valuable every moment is when those who love each other are together! How could I not understand this before?! There is no greater happiness, my beloved! How wonderful it is to be near and love each other!”

“Yes, this is an amazing joy! But there exists more happiness… It is in the contact and then in the union of the human soul and God!

“What is between us is much more than just closeness between bodies… If souls are not united, then this is only bodily pleasure… And if both bodies and souls merge, then a different happiness — an incomparably greater one — is experienced!

“And with God — the same can happen as has happened between us… But — stronger! You may not believe this yet… Just try to feel what I feel, what every person feels, when love and gratitude in the depths of the spiritual heart turn to the One Who created everything, Who gave us lives, Who gave the opportunity to learn to love!

“God is in everything, but He is as if behind the thinnest transparent ‘Veil’ that separates the World of the Subtlest Blissful Being — from the Creation.

“He is always beside us; you just need to aspire to Him!”

Victor was so overwhelmed with love and happiness that sometimes for brief moments that blissful state of the soul was revealed to him, in which God is felt by his side. Victor lived now, overflowing with love! Love embraced everything and poured out uncontrollably! He had not yet figured out all this, he simply allowed Zosia to open the passage for him to that Endless Bliss…

* * *

In autumn, there were many student unrests and demonstrations and many revolutionary actions of the workers.

Victor told his comrades that he had to rethink many things and therefore had to withdraw from revolutionary activity for a while.

Some of his associates accused him of “villainous betrayal”, others said that it was temporary and happened because of his marriage.

Victor himself, as if from the sidelines, watched the distraught crowds that made pogroms, he tried to understand how to organize a new — correct — association of his own like-minded people…

And then the war began in the Far East — the war against Japan…