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A Day of the Elder Zosima

At home, everyone was delighted about Zosia’s return.

Her mother was immensely happy! Zosia was even ashamed that she had not come for a whole year.

In the hospital, too, all the people working there met Zosia with such joy that she was surprised at all the warmth and sincerity. This truly was her home, where everyone needed her, where she was dear and beloved by everyone!

Of course, Zosia soon went to fr. Alexander to tell him about everything that had happened to her, and in order to hear new advice. And also — to ask questions about healing.

Fr. Alexander was already waiting for Zosia. He pleased her with some new records about the elder Zosima:

“After I gave you those notebooks last year, I immediately began writing down all the other things that I have remembered about Zosima. I have been trying to tell it in detail. Sometimes, it seems to me now that this is the most important thing in my life — to write about him, to save his words for people!

“I think that the book is now almost ready to be published. These instructions of the elder could be so important to many people in our time!

“But will they want to read them?…

“I sent a story called ‘A Day of the elder Zosima’ to the local newspaper, and this was their response to me: ‘It’s long, boring, and there are few events. This is not interesting to our reading public; I’m sorry!’

“So, I would like for you to have it; for you — it will be interesting!”

… At home, Zosia eagerly read the new story by fr. Alexander:

“There was an elder in our monastery named Zosima. For many people, meeting him became a turning point in their lives. There are still many stories of miracles performed by God through this elder, passed from mouth to mouth. With some exaggeration, these stories are now retold about the elder among the people! Many regard him as a Saint, and have already begun to pray to him. And they claim that they receive his help.

“I don’t intend to tell about the miraculous healings by the elder Zosima, although I was a witness of them many times. However, without this, of course, my story will not do.

“I would like to describe, for example, the events of one day in the life of the elder. I would like to repeat for people his words about living a clean and ethical life!

“… The elder Zosima usually got up very early, long before dawn.

“Those hours of silence were especially dear to him. It was that little time of the day during which he was alone with God. Almost all the rest of his time was allotted towards helping those who asked.

“From a certain moment of training with the elder, I was allowed to stay in his cell when he received visitors. In this way, I studied how to conduct conversations with people.

“One day, early in the morning, I came to the elder being in deep sorrow about my own imperfections.

“I told him, as if confessing:

‘I cannot do much more! I see my shortcomings, but I cannot overcome them in myself!

‘And there remains in me the fear of making mistakes when talking with other people, of making mistakes in the advice that I give… And there is still the fear that I will not be able to understand in time what God wants me to do, and what I should do…

‘I cannot completely get rid of impure thoughts!

‘And in me, there is not that fullness of faith that is needed to heal, to help people!

‘How to teach, if I myself have understood so little?

‘Even acting as I know is right, as I myself teach others, — is not always possible!

‘Am I really hopeless?

‘Where does this weakness of the soul come from, so that even the flame of love, which once seemed unquenchable and which once illuminated any work with joy, suddenly dies away?

‘Indeed, if the Love of God does not burn in the spiritual heart, then the words of prayer become empty! And — the words become dead, with which I try to help others… Even — if those words are correct, even — if I repeat your words…

‘Despair sometimes engulfs me from all this! How to conquer this?’

“Zosima looked affectionately at me and listened. Then he was silent for a time, as if expecting me to understand his answer without words.

“Then he said:

‘Any dark thoughts that overcome the mind must be rejected!

‘As in the case with self-praising thoughts that nourish pride, self-derogatory thoughts must also not be in yourself. Self-abasement in exposing one’s vices should lead not to despondency, but to purification and good deeds in every case as much as possible!

‘When you do this, then your strength and capabilities will grow tirelessly.

‘If the sadness about yourself: about your unworthiness — is too strong, then this does not please God!

‘If you do something, but, at the same time, hold thoughts in your mind like «I cannot succeed, I am sinful and unworthy; I cannot do anything in this life!» — then this prevents the approach to God. And this often happens… You do not remember this — for yourself, but for people who come to you for advice!

‘Many, in fact, believe that intimacy with God is unattainable for them because of their weaknesses in spiritual works; and, because of this, they completely abandon their efforts to transform themselves as souls.

‘How to help in such cases?

‘For this, one needs to direct the strength of the soul towards not worrying about one’s own failures or worthlessness. One must direct one’s strength towards the good, even if it’s only minor or small. In this case, things will become better.

‘So, you need to reject thoughts of your own significance: both exalting ones and self-deprecating ones, and devote all the power of yourself-soul towards only good deeds!

‘In humility of mind and freedom from unnecessary thoughts, such as self-praising thoughts or censuring thoughts about oneself or other people — it becomes much easier to kindle the heart with that love that is directed towards the Lord!

‘And then, gradually, everything will become easier. Even if the mind sometimes repeats: «I’ve done more than anyone else for God here!» or, conversely, «I am worse than everyone else and not worthy of the happiness of being with God!» — then a loving heart will laugh at those «intrigues of the mind» and will not listen to such thoughts!

‘Direct your hands towards doing good work!

‘And direct your mind to the Lord!

‘This is how one overcomes the lower self! Love and service cleanse fates!’

“… After this conversation, our reception of visitors began.

“That day, a middle-aged man entered first. His appearance, in my opinion, was very unpleasant. Outwardly, it seemed, ‘everything was in place’: physically, he was not ugly. But I didn’t even want to look at him!

“Later on, I found out that he had given the people, who were waiting in line for an opportunity to talk with the elder, money to go first… And, they did, indeed, accept the money from him and permit him to go ahead of them…

“The elder asked:

‘What is your request, Roman? I can see what your trouble is, but I cannot at all understand what your request may be…’

‘How do you know my name? In the list of petitioners on the sheet, I provided another name, one that was not real!’

‘Why does something so small and unimportant excite you, while the important thing does not? To God, and not to me — everything about you is always known, in every hour and every minute. Remember that!

‘Now tell me: what is your request?’

‘I have conceived a large deal, which promises a very large profit! So, I came to ask for this deal to work out well and to ask for some luck! If it works out, I will thank you… And, if you, as they say, do not seek gains for yourself, then I will give a lot of money to the monastery.’

‘Now many people come to me for miracles — as if they are visiting a shop… They form a line. And, after waiting in that line, they then feel that they can ask for whatever they want! And some do not even stand in that line at all…

‘But this, after all, is not a store, not a market, where you can buy what you want…

‘Do you think that God knows your request without me?’

‘He knows…’

‘So why don’t you tell God your request? I’m not an intermediary who, like a postman, will carry your message…’

‘I am sinful! Sinful… Therefore, I do not dare to ask God myself!’

‘Yes… Your request is bad. It will bring misfortune and promises ruin to many. And it will not bring good to anyone…’

‘How do you know? After all, I have not yet said what my business plan is…’

‘I see…

‘So, let me ask you this: if God is Omniscient and knows all your requests and all your sins, why, then, are you here?’

‘God hears you — so you tell Him!’

‘You made me laugh!… Do you think that God will, at my direction, perform miracles for you, out of a desire to please you? What next?! It is we who must serve God with our whole life, good deeds, and by cleansing ourselves of all filthiness — so that we do not feel ashamed of ourselves in front of Him!

‘And you came to me wanting to be forgiven of your evil behavior: for both the past and the future? If I ask God for you, and if I read a prayer, — could that alone really stop you or anyone from being a sinner?’

‘But what about me? I’m weak: my will is weak, my desires are strong, and my sins are grievous…’

‘In this case, begin to change yourself slowly! Follow the Commandments of Jesus: to love your neighbor and to treat others the way that you would like to be treated!

‘Remember this every day! And do everything in accordance with these Commandments! And if it doesn’t immediately work out, then try again and again to do so until this becomes the rule of your life, and, later, your inner essence!

‘Right now, you do not even think that you are really sinful! You think that all people live like you, caring only about their own benefit!

‘For you, both repentance and absolution are like theater tickets, which you can buy and use to watch a show!

‘But the soul is not cleansed in such a way!

‘A person does not have the power to release another person from sins! Everyone must do their own spiritual work of purification before God! If repentance does not happen, then the vice will not leave the soul!

‘Right now, you just thought: why cleanse myself, why change, if everything is so good already?!

‘And, if the business plan you conceived is successful, then you’ll be swimming in luxury!

‘You might become rich, but you will not be happy! You’ll worry about your wealth all the time, you’ll be afraid of losing your money! And such worries about profit and the loss of money will be with you, all the way up to the hour of your death!

‘How terrible this would be! And yet, you are not afraid!

‘Imagine that this very hour is your last. Can you recall: were you ever actually happy?’

“… Suddenly, something began to happen with Roman.

“It could be seen that God, in fact, started helping him to experience the feeling of the hour of death, when there is no more earthly time ahead, and when behind there is only a memory of an empty, meaningless, and joyless life…

“And as if from the depths of the soul, a layer of memories began to rise, about which he suddenly began to tell:

‘Only once was I happy: when I was with my beloved Lizaveta. We lived in sin, we were not married, but it was good for us!…

‘She wanted a family and children. But I said that it wasn’t the right time and that we first needed to gather money, «get on our feet», and start our own business… But when I found out that she became pregnant, I left her.

‘Nothing good has happened in my life since then…’

“Zosima said:

‘She gave birth. Your son is growing and will soon be fourteen years old. And your Lizaveta died last year.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘I know… You let a life of happiness slip past you! Now, there is a small chance here to correct the consequences of your wrong decision!

‘If you want to begin repentance before God — start with your son!’

“… Roman clasped his head in his hands and groaned, as if in pain…

‘How will I find him, what will I say?’

‘In the town where you and Lizaveta lived, he works in a factory. He has your surname, and his face is similar to yours. You will not be mistaken!

‘As for what to tell him — this you must decide yourself! You can honestly tell the whole truth right away, or you can keep silent for now and later tell him when he loves you.

‘And if you would like for him to respect you, it would be best to start conducting your business dealings in a different way: so that your deeds benefit people, instead of harming them.

‘And teach your son to be an assistant! There will be less profits from this, but more happiness!

‘And no one will help you! Only you can help yourself! And as you help yourself and others, you will immediately begin to notice that God has become closer to you!

‘That’s all, now you may go…’

“… After that man, a pregnant woman came and asked the elder what name to give to the child. She said much about how she was afraid of giving birth, about her fears of dying in childbirth…

“The elder reassured her and told to call her son as the husband of that woman wanted. She did not say that name aloud, but the elder guessed.

“For her, this was a miracle. She left — feeling pleased!

“… Then Ignatius, the archimandrite, came. He was the head monk of the monastery and a friend of the elder since their time in the seminary.

“I was not allowed to be present in this conversation. And I went to look into the waiting room for visitors.

“I was interested in trying to see the problems about which the people came. The elder Zosima himself always understood this immediately, so I usually did not even have time to try to do this before the conversation started with a visitor. Both the name of a person, and with what request he or she came, was always known by the elder as soon as he saw a visitor.

“But before I entered the room, a richly dressed woman, who was both sad and alarmed, came up to me.

‘Help me, please! My daughter is in that carriage, she herself can hardly move, she is very ill!’

“A beautiful pale girl sat, leaning back on the pillows in a carriage, which was parked in front of the monastery gates. Nearby, there was a wheelchair. It could be seen that they were having difficulties transplanting the girl.

“I carefully lifted her in my arms, but even this caused her great pain. She could not restrain a moan, which echoed in me: I could clearly feel this pain as if it were my own.

“I apologized to the girl:

‘Forgive me for helping so embarrassingly!’

‘Oh no, don’t worry! It’s a disease! This is not your fault at all!’

“… I tried to help her further by pushing the wheelchair.

“The girl’s mother asked:

‘Can we go to the elder right now, without waiting in line? I looked, and there were so many people waiting! But on the road today, my little Irina’s state became much worse.’

‘Mom, how could you ask that?! Do you think that our problems are the only problems that matter in this world?!’

“At this point, archimandrite Ignatius came out to meet us on the path in the monastery garden.

“He said:

‘Is this your daughter Irina? The elder Zosima asked me to say that he awaits you right now.’

“… Ignatius looked affectionately at the girl:

‘God is merciful, my child, don’t give up hope!’

“… Zosima was waiting in that special state of consciousness of his, in which the Power of the Holy Spirit is ready to pour out without restrictions through his body…

“He hardly listened to how Irina’s mother spoke about her daughter’s spinal injury.

“He looked at Irina — and the Strength and Light of the Holy Spirit began to flow, relieving her pain.

“The elder told me:

‘Put Irina on the bench by the wall, with her back facing up.’

“I lifted Irina and did not feel her acute pain this time, as I had the first time.”

‘Thank you!’ — she whispered softly, apparently also sensing that Presence of God’s Power that was being directed through the elder Zosima.

“Irina’s mother, meanwhile, said that the doctor prescribed morphine, but then, over time, more and more doses were needed. And then Irina refused to take them anymore, because an addiction began to form, and she herself became crippled…

“Then Irina’s mother even cried, saying that she didn’t have the strength to look at her daughter’s suffering.

“This restlessness of hers, which was pouring into the space of the cell, clearly began to interfere with the healing Light of the Holy Spirit…

“Zosima, as usual in such cases, then asked Irina’s mother to go to the temple:

‘Please go to the temple, Tatyana Prokofievna. Archimandrite Ignatius will be starting the service soon. Pray for the health of your daughter, and give thanks to God! And I’ll look at Irina.’

“… Zosima stayed in Mergence with the Light of God for a long time.

“Afterwards, Irina sat up on the bench herself.

“As if anticipating her disappointment from trying to stand up on her feet, the elder said:

‘Your pain is gone and will never come back. But you won’t be able to walk yet… Apparently, through this, you will provide much help to many people who are without arms, legs, or who have other weaknesses or despairs. You will show an example of courage and fortitude! This is a commission from God to you!

‘You have a white horse in your stable named Snowball. Teach him to serve you, replacing your legs. You can ride everywhere by yourself! You will begin many good deeds, and other people will continue this after you!

‘The road of life in front of you is full of light! And God will give you strength! Through this, many people will gain faith in themselves and in God!’

“… Irina thanked him… She looked at the elder as if understanding him without the use of words. And this silent understanding was more insightful than any words could have been.

“I then helped Irina and took her to the temple, where a service was taking place and her mother was.

“When I returned to the cell of the elder, I realized that Zosima had taken Irina’s pain onto himself, and that the cure was not easy.

“I gave him some water.

“I asked:

‘How else can I help?’

‘Don’t worry. Everything will pass by tomorrow! And today, you can listen to the people, and I will lie here on the bench and help you, if necessary. Do not be afraid!

‘It’s interesting: I didn’t see a sin on Irina, for which she could receive redemption and admonition by the will of God. She’s a pure soul! She lived righteously before the tragic accident!

‘But God did not allow her to be completely healed…

‘There’s still much I have to learn!…

‘God showed me an image of a horseman-warrior in armor and carrying a sword, inflicting a terrible blow on the back of his opponent…

‘And why was this shown?

‘Could it be that Buddhists are right when they say that souls live more than once in bodies, and that a sin in a past life can bring suffering to a person in the next incarnation? Why then did Jesus not talk about this? Or did He, and His words were not preserved for people?

‘God has shown me many human destinies, but the explanation of everything has not yet become clear to me.

‘Sometimes God allows righteous people to suffer with illnesses or with other sufferings — for their admonition and study. And, perhaps, for the admonition of other people, this happens. And it happens that through examples of courage and perseverance in the face of difficulties in earthy life — a person can serve other people…

‘It would be so simple if someone who committed a sin, immediately received retribution; or if one did good and immediately received a reward! However, everything is more complicated in the lives of people, whose lives are planned by God! Indeed, a person must be righteous and kind — not out of fear and not for a reward!

‘Yes, often, after going through suffering, the soul is purified, and learns to feel compassion towards the pain of others!

‘You and I still need to learn a lot!’

* * *

“I will not speak about my works that day.

“However, I do something interesting about Irina. Five years later, she came to the monastery on her white horse, Snowball. By then, she was already completely healed! She did a lot to help people with disabilities! She returned many people to a decent life, although she did not have healing abilities. Her charity projects were aimed at restoring not only health, but also, if possible, a full and non-degrading active life for those people.

“And now, I wish for every person, having to read this story, to think about his or her life, about his or her faith, about his or her dreams, and about things that can be done for God and for people!

“After all, man heals himself or herself — by faith and the transformation of oneself-soul.”