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Chapter 8.
Andrew’s Lessons

Andrew accompanied me home. Our journey took almost a week.

I was sad that I could not continue my life and study among Jesus’ closest disciples. I was very ashamed that I had failed and that now I was distracting Andrew.

But it was only necessary to calmly accept the simple truth that my role was now much less important than the role of Jesus and His closest disciples. And that now I could safely return home, to knead dough and bake bread in the most common way, to do any work — and at the same time continue to learn to live with God in my heart, to fill the space around with love, even if such love is not as large as the love that they have…

I needed to understand for myself that this is not a tragedy, not a failure, not a fall! I just had to be strengthened in what I already knew, and understand that this would also be a significant spiritual achievement! At the same time, I now needed to live in such a way that love would fill my mouth when pronouncing words, so that my hands would touch everything with love, so that even silence, a smile, or a look — would carry affection and peace, tenderness and care!

During these days, Andrew and I became very close.

We walked and talked a lot about what was very important to us.

They were my further studies — through Andrew — from Jesus.

I learned to feel the Great Light of Jesus protecting us during our journey! I began to learn to perceive His Presence even though we were away from His body. And, after all, He was with us the entire time!

* * *

On the one hand, I was very pleased that Andrew was with me. But, on the other hand, I sometimes had sad thoughts about the inevitable imminent separation from him, which may be forever… I was oppressed by these thoughts… They caused me a lot of suffering…

One day, as if responding to all these unspoken torments of mine, Andrew said:

“From people whom we love and believe that they also love us — we often expect the fullness of reciprocity, understanding, help, sympathy, and approval. And we are saddened by their inattention, we suffer if we do not receive the love which we want from them.

“But there is another possibility of love. It is to love, forgetting about oneself! It means to love even when there is no hope for reciprocity or for the happiness of a long marriage. It also means to love always, even if it is impossible to be physically near one’s beloved in this earthly life.

“After all, it is the unity of souls, and not of bodies, — that really matters in us — to God!

“Love that connects the flesh to the flesh is also pure and does not bear sin if it is sincere, mutual, caring, and does not even show signs of possible harm to the one whom we love.

“Through love for each other, we learn to love like that, so that we can then love — with our developed love — also God!

“Now such Unity with God is open for us! Through intense love for God — a human soul is united with Him, disappearing into His Infinity, into His Boundless Love!

“I love you, Martha, and I know that you love me. But we cannot repeat in our lives the love that is between Jesus and your sister Mary. And you should not resent me for this choice of mine in my destiny!

“This choice happened long ago, when I first met Jesus. Or rather — when He found me…”

“Tell me about it! How did you become His disciple?”

“I do not know how to tell this… He Himself called each of us.…

“We became His disciples — and for us, following Him became a completely different new life. It was as if He pulled us with roots out of our former existence — and there became only the life next to Him in the discipleship every hour, every minute — for the future Service to the Heavenly Father.

“It’s like He moved us into new destinies…

“And this ascetic life is not at all like the one that most people practice, even if they are believers and call to God.

“We lived with Him during these two years — and it was so much that this would be enough for ten ordinary lives!

“It is not for everyone… And it should not be wanted by everyone either!… Because it means throwing away everything superfluous from life and making spiritual transformation and Service not just the main thing, but the only thing in life!

“This can be described as full-devotion to God.

“We always learn — day and night.

“And, being close to Jesus, it is easy to learn to live, striving to become like Him!

“I would like to talk about my first conversation with Jesus on this subject.

“We sat together in an olive grove. I stared at Him in fascination. A soft shadow of foliage fluttered on His face, hands, and clothes. It seemed that only this play of light and shadow made His bodily appearance visible. For the great Light of the Soul broke from the Divine world and flooded all around.

“Jesus told me then:

‘I chose you. And you can be My disciple. But I must ask you: do you want to be a chosen one? Do you want to devote your whole life to the service for God-the-Father, preaching the Truth that you will learn from now on? The greatness of the feat of the spiritual life is not an easy fate… But it is this fate that awaits My companions. You can still change your mind…’

“I exclaimed:

‘To change? I did not dare to dream of such happiness — of the life with You, Jesus! Even John, who taught me, called You more than him… We all knew from John’s sermons that the Messiah would come! We wanted to see You and hear Your speeches! Is it possible to want more than to be Your companion and disciple?!’

“Jesus calmly explained:

‘But not everyone can live only for God…’

“Then He added:

‘This will be your new destiny. Will you accept it?’

“And then I saw all my future Path and accepted it from Jesus.”

… Andrew and I walked in silence for a long time… And the Great Light of the Holy Spirit embraced us with the Divine Tenderness.

* * *

The next day, there was another significant event.

We passed a little spring. It was revered as sacred… Many of the sick were washed and prayed there.

I saw a woman in complete despair — a little away from everyone. She was kneeling and holding a little baby, of about a year and a half or two… She was praying to God to heal her child.…

But it was clear — even without the ability to read minds — that she had already no faith or hope…

We came closer, and I looked at the child…

I felt all the heartache of this woman!… And my desire to help became irresistible!

I went to tell her at least a few words of comfort, but I didn’t know how to begin… It seemed that the woman was so consumed with her grief that she would not be in the mood to hear stories about Jesus…

Still, I decided to say:

“I have no power to heal your child… But I know the One in Whom God’s Power is always present, the One Who heals people from incurable diseases and even raises the dead. He raised my brother Lazarus when he was already dead for four days… His name is Jesus. He heals with the Power of Divine Love — the Power of the Heavenly Father!

“Jesus is not here physically now. But He said that He — as a Soul — will always be with me and with everyone who accepts Him in their heart.

“Let’s try — and together turn to Him for help!”

The woman looked up at me. Her former silent despair had already gone away.

Andrew came up and laid hands on the child’s body. I understood that now everything would turn out alright! And I thanked Andrew, Jesus, and the Heavenly Father!

The Light of the Holy Spirit flowed and enveloped the space.

I didn’t know how long it lasted… When I began to perceive the reality of the ordinary world again — the healed child, quietly smiling, slept on the hands of the mother. And Andrew told her those ordinary words which, if understood, turn the healing into an irreversible happy outcome!

* * *

Later that day, I asked Andrew:

“So, you can heal, too, like Jesus, with His Power?”

“Sometimes… This ability comes gradually… When it happens, it is as if God’s Power and a confident understanding that It can be used now for good — manifest themselves from the Great Depths.

“It has happened more than once. But it does not always happen.

“Preaching to the people when God speaks in me — is easier…

“You tried it today too: so great was your desire to help and your belief that Jesus could do it without even being physically near.

“The Light of the Holy Spirit was revealed to you and gave you the Power. And I, too, was allowed to volunteer and help!”

Andrew, after a pause, continued:

“And yet, Martha, the typical ‘earthly happiness’ — is so fragile! It depends so much on external things!…

“A child is born — and it’s a happiness… A beloved one is very sick or dead — and it’s a grief… A sick person is healed — and it’s a happiness again…

“These are sources of human happiness and grief: you are loved, praised, your dreams are fulfilled — and you are happy… But if everything becomes different?

“If such a strong, at first sight, but illusory external well-being collapses, then, without reliance on the unshakable Love of God, we will not withstand the spiritual battle for the Perfection!

“In this world, one can live according to the laws of the ‘manifested’ dense material existence: among objects and events…

“But you can begin to live according to the laws of the spiritual world. Here — the possibilities are almost limitless!

“You already know that the soul can become much larger than the body. To outgrow the size of your body and fill the space, expanding more and more, — only a properly growing soul can do this. And, by so growing, such a soul can acquire both great strength and many skills.

“But it is very important that the possession of this power does not make a person evil. Unwittingly or by reason of the coarseness and impurity of the soul — there is a danger for the soul, which has great power, to reduce life to the mere use of magic for the satisfaction of personal desires.

“We sometimes think that all our desires are good. But this is not always the case…

“Therefore, it is important — before gaining powerful forces to influence the ‘manifested’ world — to strengthen one’s Unity with the Heavenly Father, to act with an understanding of His Plan. We must learn to do so in each case!

“Only when the Oneness with the Divine Wisdom and Love is mastered — is the acquisition of the Divine Power good!

“Jesus taught us:

‘Then, when the Unity with God is found, such a Divine Soul easily directs the Streams of Power for healing and for changing other external events. In the ‘manifested’ world then — everything begins to happen as if by itself, correctly, obeying the Divine Stream, creating everything from the Depths. Then the Wave of the Power of God rises — and it seems to carry us and creates everything around us with the speed that is necessary!’

“Jesus told us about this as a possible future:

‘It will soon become a natural state of life for many of you who, alone or together, will go to preach in the world. The Words from the Divine Depths, which must be pronounced by you, will easily be perceived! What you need to do at every moment — will come as an understanding! And you will learn to hear My Voice. And My Appearance will always be seen when you need advice and help!

‘It is important to remain meek and humble, so as not to begin to act as ‘I want’, for example, to exalt oneself. It is necessary to continue to fulfill only the Will of the Heavenly Father!

‘It is sad to see the arrogance in those who have decided to help others! It often occurs in people who have touched the Truth, but have not yet cognized it in its entirety, and have not been able to fully accommodate it in themselves.

‘One, who looks down on others, never succeeds in helping! This one only strengthens one’s own self-conceit, which disgraces such a one before God.

‘I teach meekness and humility, for it is the only way to make room for God’s Power in us! But the proud one — easily falls…’

“We all have to learn this! You — too, Martha!

“If Jesus had made each of us Perfect by His Power, the law of the Divine development of souls would have been broken. We all have to grow to the Perfection ourselves! And the difficulties that we face on our way are not a reason to give up, but they are only tests that make us wiser and stronger.

“God incarnates souls into bodies and gives them the strength to improve. And He gives free will to choose: what everyone wants to achieve.”

“But where is the line where one can already be sure in the correctness of one’s choice both as a whole, and when making specific decisions? Is it possible to know this? How much suffering does one have to endure from the feeling of inferiority and guilt?”

“Try not to be so hard on yourself, Martha! An excess of suffering from a sense of sinfulness and guilt binds a person and presses on him or her with too heavy a load. It does not allow one to move on!

“Perhaps it would be wrong not to feel guilty when we made a mistake. But if we accumulate such states in our memory and live with this burden, then we ourselves create unnecessary suffering.

“There is a difference between sins of ignorance — and sins which are committed knowingly and based on self-indulgence, such as lack of will, laziness, pride, envy, greed, and aggression…

“Both these kinds of sinful behavior negatively impact the destiny of a person. But they do it differently.

“When a person consciously turns away from God to evil, difficulties and temptations in his or her life become inevitable.

“When — with purity of thought — a person strives to the cognition, then, in any tests for such an ascetic, help comes from our Heavenly Father!

“Live now as if you are walking in life next to incarnate Jesus, and at every moment you can touch Him with your hand!

“Start every day not with thoughts about having to do ‘this or that’, but with love for God and for all creatures in His Creation! Out of this Love-Caring, it is easy to get power for large and small matters, without getting involved in ‘earthly’ things more than is necessary!

“You can now, by the way, teach Lazarus the new things that you have learned.

“And yet, I ask you: be careful! There are already many who want to kill you — for being a witness of the incredible miracles performed by Jesus! Now, because the rumor of Jesus has already spread in many nations, the strength of the opposition is also growing…

“We will go around many more lands in the coming months. And by Passover, we will have to return to Jerusalem. Jesus mentioned it as a meaningful time… I don’t know what He meant, but I know that it’s important, which is why I told it to you.”

… Andrew, seeing me home, did not stay at our house, and started heading back the next day.