Chapter Two:
Elder Nicholas
Alexey walked knee-deep and, at times, waist-deep in the snow. He barely reached the hermitage. It was already dark.
He knocked on the door of a small hut where the light of a candle could be seen in a tiny window:
“Come in! It’s open!”
… Alexey entered, crossed himself before the only icon in the front corner and bowed.
… He knew only little about the elder Nicholas; namely, that he was from the tradition of the Non-Money-Grubbers, and that for his public utterances, which called for the ethical purity of the servants of the church and for simplicity in life and decor, — he was exiled here many years ago.
Then the elder took a vow of silence for ten years — and kept it.
Through that — the attitude towards him changed, and people began to speak very much about his holiness.
Alexey was forcibly sent to him in order to help the elder around the house. And — for training Alexey to live in silence.
… Alexey looked around. In the dim light of the candle, the interior looked small and almost empty. A table, a chair, a wide bench… There was not even a bed.
He looked with attention at the elder Nicholas — and suddenly… calmed down! So much kindness, affection, and peace were in the eyes of the elder! Alexey was embraced and filled with this gentle calm!
And the despair due to the sorrow of his present fate, which squeezed him like a vise and was weighing him to the ground — suddenly let Alexey go.
… The elder Nicholas was tall. It was evident that in the past his body was very powerful. But the years did not break the soul or bend his back!
A gray beard framed his face, which was filled with kindness. Each wrinkle on his face was like a shining ray of love.
Silence and kindness enlivened the space around his body.
… In the evening, they had a talk:
“And why did they send you here, sonny?”
“For freethinking…”
“Understood.”
“Have you lived here alone for a long time?”
“For a long time… — yes. But I’m not the only one here! I live with God!”
* * *
In this way, a new era began in Alexey’s life.
Gradually, Alexey told the elder Nicholas everything about himself: about how he grew up and was raised, how he chose the spiritual Path as the only right way for him.
Since childhood, Alexey had not only a zeal for prayers, but he aspired to cognition of God. He read a lot, and had learned Latin and Greek. And in these languages, he read the spiritual books in their original form.
However, even those books only encouraged his further search: they did not give answers to his questions, of which he had more and more…
He told his dreams about striving to reach those states of the soul that the closest disciples of Jesus had found: to hear the Voice of God, to see God’s Light, to fully understand the Will of God!
Alexey said that he was reproached for his pride and for his witty remarks, which were “from the devil”! They offered him to repent and live “like others”.
Alexey then repented a lot, carefully examining himself-soul.
But he could not live without seeking Truth, and he did not want and could not live “like others”.
Alexey spoke a lot about his understanding of Christian life. He, at first, diligently studied the writings of the first Christian communities. And how different was the life of the first Christians in those communities — from that which now is led by people who call themselves Christians!
He was trying to understand: why is everything so hard and gloomy in the organization of the present spiritual life in the Russian state?! And, is it possible to change something? And, how to change it?
Elder Nicholas listened to him in silence, allowing Alexey to let out everything that had ripened in him…
Alexey also spoke about what caused him to be here: that his suggestions on transforming life in the church resulted in him being sent away from Moscow — so as not to disturb people’s minds with his ideas, and so as not to start new troubles in the church life!
… He told all of this to the elder Nicholas. He also revealed his bitter thoughts and torments about his present ignorance on how and why to live further?
* * *
Elder Nicholas spoke rarely. They ate in silence and spent time in prayers and in simple usual matters, which were necessary for life.
Alexey did his best to devote as much time as possible to prayers. But there was not for him that quiet joy, with which the elder Nicholas was always replete.
And little by little, he began to ask questions about faith, about prayers, and about understanding monastic life.
Every one of such conversations with the elder Nicholas was an invaluable form of help which opened for Alexey a new vision of his own life before God.
And the elder Nicholas not only consoled Alexey, but could also shame him:
“Strong pride, sonny, is still in you! Many monks consider monastic seclusion in a hermitage — as a great happiness! And you — call it an exile! Spiritual seekers search for it! God sent such a gift into your fate! And you — are grumbling!”
“But it’s not about myself…”
“If it were not for yourself, you would not be grumbling at fate!
“If you live here now, is God less near to you here than He was in Moscow?
“You yourself — namely, voluntarily — accepted monasticism! And such a hermitage — you must esteem with joy! Through that — many prophets and hermits had found the holiness!
“You are not thankful for God’s Help and His Care about you! You do not see them!
“Understand this, sonny:
“Humility — heals the soul! Humility — soothes thoughts!
“While in the mind, chaos reigns, and thoughts seem to struggle among themselves for capturing your emotions and desires — hesychia, inner silence, — is like an unattainable shore!
“But into the calm of the spiritual heart, onto the other side of vanity and prideful thoughts — only the path of humility and the heart love leads!
“Humility — cleans the soul, fasting — heals the body!
“And efforts in affairs — both earthly and spiritual — strengthen the will of man!
“Very much depends on personal aspiration: all that, which happens to man, will either go to the benefit of the soul — or to the detriment of it!
“Here — look: it happens that people suffer from hunger, they even get sick. But when one strictly observes a fast due to one’s own free will and for God, — something else happens: purification and health for both the body and the soul!
“And despondency — worse than any disease — destroys a person’s life, like rust, it eats away the soul!
“Soon the world’s fuss will leave you — and your heart will be filled with warmth! But you, for this, must leave the vanity of thoughts!”
“But how?”
“On God, not on your own problems and sorrows, you must direct your thoughts!
“That is the first small step!
“If thoughts are directed to God, then from God help comes!
“Through that — cleansing of the mind occurs!
“Whenever you start thinking about your own sorrows or about the problems of the world — you must reject them and learn to think about God!
“And then — you will learn how to fill the soul with love and gratitude to God for everything!
“The ability to voluntarily subordinate yourself to the Will of God — this is the freedom that is obtained in the monastic life!
“There are deeds which are done for the body. And there are the labors of the soul.
“And these labors are not idle, they are not vain fervent thoughts about something sublime!
“We live before God!
“Before Him — in every moment — everything that happens in us is opened!
“And it is possible to live rightly — under any external conditions! Our sins result not because of what is happening around us, but namely from our own vices that are inside!
“For example, it is quite possible to not allow, in yourself, sinful thoughts, empty talk, melancholy, and idleness!
“Prayers do not help in this — when only the words are said over and over again. A prayer should be a living one! And it comes to life — in the spiritual heart, right here!”
… Elder Nicholas touched Alexey’s chest with his hand — so that for a brief time Alexey’s breath was caught. And Alexey saw with his inner gaze in his chest — light and space! But he could not maintain this state…
The elder continued:
“It may be that if you only pronounce the name Jesus in the silence of the spiritual heart — it will be more than all prayers!
“Learn to pray — in your heart! As if your mouth is located in the chest! And — as if a candle in the spiritual heart is lit! Let every word sound from the heart! Then, the warmth in the heart will appear soon, the grace of God will begin to be felt, and the presence of Him will become visible!”
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