How God Can Be Cognized/Larisa Vavulina

Larisa Vavulina

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When God offers the Strait Path to Him and gives the Master, who himself traversed and therefore knows the entire Path as well as also has cognized the Goal, — it requires from a student full trust for the Master and complete devotion to this Path: otherwise this student would not be able to go by it.

By what words can be expressed the love of a disciple to the true Master? How to say “I love you!” to this Person who loves you so much, who gives all of himself to help you to reach the Perfection, to cognize God and connect with Him?

How to say “Thank you!” to Him who is constantly aware of you and caring keeps you on the palms of his vast consciousness-love, who took you as a disciple, took upon himself the responsibility before God for you-soul?

I do not know these words, but it is this — that lives in me!

... When God had already firmly entered into my life, I turned to Him with the question:

“How to serve You better, oh Lord?”

“Write about Me! I am not an abstraction! I am the Reality! I — really exist!”

But when later He said that the next book will be our autobiographies, I a little lost my head... How to start?

All of my former life in this incarnation — before joining the School of Vladimir Antonov* — was very far from the life of a spiritual aspirant. It is difficult to write about that part of my life, because now, looking back, I realize that my existence before — was not real living. Because there was no God and understanding — as to why I live. Only time went on... and life went on... I was like drifting with the flow...

But God even then gave me lessons — and I acquired the life experience...

... In the family where I was born, no one educated me seriously. My father was employed as a worker in a small factory where they made — of cast iron — batteries for heating homes. He was not an educated and cultured man. After work, he played dominoes in the street and drank vodka. He took no part in my upbringing and never was interested in my life.

Only once, when I — after already graduating from school and college — was studying at the evening institute and working, he suddenly opened the door to my room and said, almost tenderly:

“Daughter, have you done your homework...?”

My mother, after finishing college, worked as a forewoman at a huge factory in the shop, where they made knives, forks, spoons. There was heavy manual labor, and almost exclusively women worked there. She was for them “Mom”, she was loved and respected for her honesty, kindness and great diligence. She also had a little free time for my upbringing.

As a child, I did not get on with my older sister: I was not tolerant of any violence to me — and fiercely resisted any of her attempts to “educate” me. Later, we have developed the principles of peaceful coexistence, and almost did not quarrel, but were not close either: she had her own life, I had my own.

In our family, also was a grandmother, my father’s mother, who lived with us. She was quiet, kind. Almost all the household chores were on her, and she almost did not go out of the house, besides two summer visits to Mordovia — to the village, where she took me.

The first time, we went there when I was seven years old. It was the strongest impressions of my childhood! From the train-station — to the village, one had to go a few hours on a cart drawn by a horse, on a country road. For the first time, I, a city resident, was in the open country space!

It was morning and the sun was shining! All around — to the horizon — were stretches of gentle hills, fields and grasslands, which were interspersed with ravines and small copses. The first time in life, I saw how wheat, rye, buckwheat, oats, millet grew on fields! In the meadows bloomed variety of flowers and grew a variety of herbs. High in the sky larks were singing. All this was like a multicolored carpet — it was huge, alive, and very beautiful! I could not tear myself away from the surrounding beauty!

That summer, I first saw whole fields of strawberries and forest strawberries: the second is three times larger than strawberries, dark maroon, sweet and flavorful!

And more, I learned to graze cattle and sheep, lay in hay!

... Because most of the time, I was on my own, I have formed my inner world. It was a world of justice and love. I dreamed of this love, which is — for all: it is — fair and never to offend anyone.

I very keenly experienced any injustice, especially in relation to other people. I was ready to stand up for each unjustly offended.

I also loved the Earth and thought that it is — alive! I liked to lie, face down on the grass, and cling to the Earth with whole body, and hugging it by arms... Or — laying on my back, watch the bizarrely changing shape of clouds floating in the sky... In those moments, I felt such peace!...

... In our family there were no conversations about God, but also no denial of His existence. Only grandmother quietly crossed, looking at the icon of the “Mother of God”, whispered prayers and lit the icon-lamp before the icon at holidays.

My life was atheistic and was held under the slogan: “For our happy childhood — thank you, my dear country!”

... Then I went to school. I always liked to learn new things. I studied easily and was very easily fascinated by all: in the pioneers’ clubhouse learned in many circles — theater, sewing clothes, ballroom dancing, radio. Also played basketball and cross-country skiing, but most of all I loved to swim! In the water, I was — like a fish in its natural element!

After school, I graduated college of marine engineering. “On distribution”, I came to work in the Research Institute. Immediately I came to study in the evening department of the university. I studied and worked, and at the same time gave birth to two daughters.

… Then — my life consisted in “getting stuck” and “bogged down” in the world of matter...

I was working in the shop of a huge metallurgical plant as an engineer. Work and care for the family, a meaningless marriage in which there was no trace of love and harmony — all this had plunged me into a kind of “gray” layer of existence... Soon my husband and I got divorced, and I was left alone with two small children.

To feed this family, I had to do more and entered on a second job... Home business and taking care of children absorbed all the attention...

Then I met a man who seemed to me to know how to love and care for a family — and I married for the second time... But he proved to be an alcoholic, with drinking bouts... He had a daughter from his first marriage — so I obtained a third child...

... At first, I tried to fight against the “disease” of husband, went with him to the doctors, buying expensive medicine. He agreed to stop drinking, but again fell into drinking binges...

And then I finally realized that all my efforts — useless, the drunkenness is not a disease, but a consequence of weak will and indulging one’s own vices. And that no one, except for the man himself — only through one’s own efforts — can be delivered from vices.

... Ten years of life in that hell taught me a lot. And, most importantly, having pushed away from hell, I was able to turn toward God.

For the first time, I was seriously thinking about God and addressed Him. I asked: “What do I do next? How to live? After all, I can leave nowhere with the children. My husband — also will not go anywhere. So divorce will not change the situation. And there is no escape...”

And suddenly the understanding had come: there is no escape — from the outside for me, in material world, but it is — inside me! I can change myself — and to take the external as it is. I should stop trying to remake him! One should not force anyone else to be good: the result is the opposite!

Now I understand that it was my first conscious attempt to learn the love-humility.

No, he did not stop drinking. But the tension went from our relationships: I had “let go” of him in my mind — and now, when he was drunk, he spoke only about how he loves us...

And I, suddenly, felt a very other love: now I would like to love namely all people helping them!

And God took it!

It was a turning point in my life.

But it happened… when I was already almost forty years…